Diet Coke Detox (The Final Chapter)

Thank you Streptococcus A. I couldn’t have done it without you.

I have to give credit where credit is due, and I have to thank the abusive bacteria for doing what I couldn’t do on my own, kick the Diet Coke addiction.

I wasn’t proud of my 4+ can a day habit or the fact I maintained a ready supply of Diet Coke in the trunk of my car at all times. Heaven knows I tried everything I could think of to quit (going cold turkey, using a reward system, taking caffeine pills, beating my head with a rock, etc.), but nothing worked.

My “problem” did not go unnoticed by those around me. Coworkers provided me with not so subtle hints like:

Even borderline alcoholics were taking me aside to express their concern about my Diet Coke problem, but still I continued to drink copious amounts of the caffeinated, artificial everything, bubbly cola. 

Just as I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever be able to stop, I got strep.

So me and strep, we have a bit of history. I had it once when I was a kid, and it nearly killed me, no really, it tried to kill me. While I knew strep would someday return in an attempt to finish the job, I had forgotten the signs. For future reference, it starts with just a hint of a headache, a little soreness, and a bit of queasiness. The symptoms slowly increase in intensity until a fever sets in, at which point my head feels like it’s locked in the claws of a giant lobster, my stomach is its very own yo-yo tilt-a-whirl, every muscle in my body aches, and death would be a welcome relief. Oh and eventually my throat feels a little sore.

My standard treatment for headaches and/or an upset stomach is was Diet Coke, so when my first symptoms appeared, I drank a Diet Coke. When the symptoms intensified, I drank more Diet Coke, and so on and so forth, up until my stomach threatened to go Mount Vesuvius on me.

Fast forward a few days.  After going to the doctor, taking antibiotics, and sleeping for 2.5 days straight, I was on the mend and feeling pretty good; however, I couldn’t stomach the thought of drinking a Diet Coke. I just couldn’t bring myself to even open a can, since my body and mind now associate Diet Coke with developing horrible headaches and vomiting, all thanks to some good ol’ fashioned pavlovian conditioning. So thank you Streptococcus A for taking care of my Diet Coke habit, and here’s hoping I don’t need your help for anything ever again.