New Bugs

This is a roach

I show you this picture I took because prior to tonight I didn't know what one looked like. In fact, when I saw it on my wall I thought, "Wow, that's a REALLY big beatle." I then looked at it again, and thought, "Could that be a cockroach? Of course not, they only get that big in more tropical locations like.........southern California." After giving myself the "duh" slap to my forehead, I tried to figure out what to do next.

Do I need to kill it some special way? Will it crunch when I kill it? And most importantly, will it retaliate if I miss it the first time?

So I sent a text messages to some of my friends to which I received the following suggestions:

• - Call a Man
• - Use a giant shoe
  
• - Try a nuclear bomb
  
• - Tell it depressing stories and wait

Since I couldn't wait for a man to get here, I decided to try the shoe option. First I built a barracade in case it could fly and attack, and then I went for the kill. I hit it once and again and again and again. It took a good 10 hits to stop it from moving, and then I waited.

I'd heard they were hard to kill, so I certainly wasn't going to take its lifeless body as proof that it was dead. Instead I stared at it awhile. Sure enough a few minutes later it got up, and started to run, so I beat it again. After the 5th time of beating it death, only to have it jump up and run away, I decided it as time to look for a nuclear bomb or more appropriately a poisonous substance. I scoured the cupboards looking for something like Windex, tub/tile cleaner, or Diet Coke, but to my wondrous surprise I found a can of Raid. As quick as can be, I doused the creature with Raid. All it's little legs spasmed, and then it stopped. Now I was sure it was dead.....until it's legs started to move again, and I doused again. This was the end result:


Before the assault, he was about 2 quarters long, after the beating it was roughly the size of one quarter. What do you think? Is he coming back to life anytime soon? Perhaps I should go ahead an try the last piece of advice from my friends and tell it depressing stories and wait. :)

Marriage: Anthropological Study

I have become an anthropologist in my own home--a modern day Jane Goodall in the my very own apartment. You see my roommate recently got married and her husband has moved into our place. Yes, you read that correctly, I live with a newlywed married couple. Before you question my sanity, let me just mention that they knocked my rent in half. Still think I'm crazy? LA ain't cheap these days so this is a mutually beneficial situation. :)

I've been single a long time, all my life in fact, and I have to admit I've grown baffled by how marriage happens. When I was a kid is seemed very simple, but now it seems ridiculously difficult. Another single friend put it this way, "Every marriage is a miracle, especially if it lasts." How does it work? How do two very different people find each other, fall in love, and get married? I am also baffled by my own desire to get married. I've lived this long without a husband, surely I'll be fine if I don't get married. Yet, there's no denying the fact I would very much like to get married, and I don't really have an explanation for it. So now I have a rare opportunity provided to a single adult in the US--I get to see a new marriage up close and personal at home. I figure there are three possible outcomes:

1. 1) I will grow to understand how and why marriages happen, and perhaps even understand my own desire for one.
   
2. 2) I will discover that living with a married couple curbs my interest in marriage, much like how babysitting can be excellent birth control.
   
3. 3) I will remain just as mystified by marriage as ever.

Who know? I certainly don't, not yet anyway. Jack and Jill (my nicknames for my roommates) have only been back from their honeymoon for two weeks so my stories thus far are limited.

I can tell you it's facsinating watching them blend households. Based on my observations I'd recommend a couple move into a new place that is brand new to them both instead of trying to figure out how to fit another person into a space previously occupied by just one person. There's also all the gifts to consider. Where in the world do you put the new mixer, breadmaker, hot cocoa maker, and new dishes into a tiny kitchen that's already well-stocked (i.e. cramped)? You definitely need a new place for a new start, unless one of you owns a house. If that's the case, what a great opportunity to start problem solving together by figuring out what stuff needs to be thrown out from both your households. :)

P.S. Jack and Jill gave me permission to blog about them. Infact they suggested it, sort of.

Belgium Reader

Dear Belgium Reader,

Who are you? Seriously, I'm very curious.

I was checking my blog stats the other day, which amongst other things tells me what paths people take to get to my blog. Most people link from my friends' blogs, my website, or from my Facebook page. So imagine my surprise then when someone with a Belgium IP address linked from a site entitled "A Kenyan and A French Toilet." It's a site about toilets. Yep, toilets. You can compare toilets from France, Kenya, Belgium and the Netherlands.

I would have thought my Belguim reader stumbled upon my blog by accident, but this has happened several times now, so I went into detective mode. After combing through the toilet site, I discovered in the upper right hand corner a list of about 20 different blogs and/or sites. This intrigued me so I checked out each of them to see if maybe we had something in common.

The only thing I can say conclusively is that there is absolutely no good reason for any of us to be linked to a website about toilets. All the linked sites come from Europe, the US, and Australia. Almost half the sites were crafty/artsy blogs. The other half were your standard "me and my family " blogs.

This whole situation wasn't a complete bust though. I discovered an entertaining blog as a result of this whole fiasco: http://sketchpot.blogspot.com/ . I'm not sure what this blogger's main occupation is, but he's an entertaining artist. :)

California Water 101

Perhaps you've heard. California tap water is pretty nasty. How bad could it possibly be? Take a look a look at this picture.



This is the sink in my bathroom. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the water shouldn't match the brown vanity. Kind of disgusting, don't you think? So I've started drinking only spring water. I'd get the purified drinking water, but isn't that what is SUPPOSED to be coming from the faucet?

Buying water is a new thing for me, and there's a lot of decisions that go into it. You can get any size from ridiculously large jugs that you can't lift to the individual bottles you can throw in your purse. Even if you just want a gallon, you have to choose if you want the milk jug size, the taller skinner size, or my favorite--the stackable weird bottles

They aren't quite a gallon (3 qt., 5.4 oz), but they are just so cool. If I had kids I would give the empty containers to play with instead of blocks. They interlock so you could build walls or even forts, not that I have any first hand experience with this. Though I have discovered that they make a lovely Christmas tree.


I'm thinking that if I remove the labels, add some lights, and throw on some tinsel, then I might just have the picture for my Christmas Cards.

New Englander's Guide to LA

Dedicated to my fellow New Englanders who are thinking of moving to LA.
Here's what you need to know:

Driving – Drive like normal (ie like a maniac), but do it faster, and try not to curse out the drivers who have no clue how to really parallel park. I also wouldn't recommend banging a left unless you can move at the speed of light, and don't really care about the right side of your car.

Blue Tooth – You must have one, and wear it whenever you are driving. It does not matter whether or not you are planning to make or take any phone calls. In fact you don’t even need to own a cell phone. It’s simply required driving attire.

Donuts and Frozen Yogurt – There are mom and pop donut shops in every strip mall and corner market, and anyone who has lived in LA for longer than a month has a favorite. There are also a million frozen yogurt shops because frozen yogurt is a health food even when you eat an entire pint covered in gummy bears, Heath Bars, sprinkles, and chocolate syrup.

Freeways – You must always use the word “the” in front of the Freeway number (“the” 405, “the” 5, “the” 91). Otherwise the conversation will go something like this:

“I’m going to take 405 to San Diego.”
“What are you taking to San Diego?”
“405”
“4 or 5 what?”
“THE 405 freeway”
“Well, why didn’t you say so to begin with?”

Palm Trees – Sure they look nice but avoid standing or parking directly below them. They tend to drop their leaves/branches, which weigh about the same as a small cow.

People – Sometimes random strangers will smile and wave at you. They are not weird, psycho stalkers. They are simply friendly. There is no need to avoid eye contact or walk faster to get away from them. Instead, try smiling and waving back.

Adjustment – After much scientific research (ie asking everyone I meet, including Steve, the waiter in Malibu) the general consensus is that it takes about 2 - 3 years for anyone to feel like LA to really home. So don't worry if you're still feeling a bit like an outsider after a few months, that's absolutely normal. And remember this song is for you (unless you hate Miley music. If that's the case, click here). :D

Living in LA: Week 1

I've had a most unusual first month in LA. Just ask my friends; they've been there to witness and/or cause most of it all, but with this much cool stuff I only have time to address the first week.

When I first arrived I needed a place to stay that was uber cheap and somewhat safe. As luck would have it, my friend Michelle still had a month left on her lease for the apartment she had just vacated. There was one small catch, the landlady couldn't know I was living there, so I had to sneak in and out. There was also a problem with internet access. If I sat on the floor in the far corner of the living room with my computer pointed at just the right angle to the window, I could mooch internet from the neighbors until my arms/legs cramped up and I had to move (~15 min). For someone looking for a job, this was the kiss of death. And let me tell you death is horrible kisser*. I mean seriously, hasn't he ever heard chapstick and breath mints?


*while rubbing hand sanitizer on your lips after such an interaction may seem like a good idea, don't do it. It stings like no other, believe me.

So thanks to the help of some friends, I found an apartment with a wonderful roommate. Though I was little concerned at first when every door in the place is labeled with "WARNING: this place causes cancer, birth defects, cancerous birth defects, and/or halitosis." But I've been informed that every apartment in LA has those signs because LA causes cancer.

Now that housing was under control it was time to experience LA. First up, going to a screening of Whip It at the Grove, an upscale mall that also has a concierge and a bathroom attendant (the worst job in the world). Afterwards we went to an improv comedy show on Hollywood Blvd., and then to Wendy's to get some grub for my compadres. While waiting in the drive-thru line, the door the SUV ahead of us opens up, a man steps out, turns his back to us and pees. Yep right there in the drive-thru. When we pulled up to the window, we managed to tell the cashier between fits of laughter that he may want to wash his hands since I'm fairly certain the SUV man did not.

Two days later I went to a taping for The Jeff Dunham Show for Comedy Central. He's the dude that's brought us Peanut, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and a jalapeno on a stick. I'm a huge fan so I of course jumped at the chance to see him. For all you boys and girls out there who are just dying to be on television, here's a tip: when doing anything in Hollywood make sure you and all your friends look cute and stylish. If you do so, you can get handpicked from hundreds of people standing in line to sit on the front row for the taping of a show, therefore insuring you WILL be on television. That's what happened to me and my 4 friends. Totally awesome. I'm in episode 6 and 7 if you would like to see me. Disclaimer: The show is on Comedy Central and not ABC Family for a reason. So to all my nieces and nephews, I strictly forbid you from watching the show until you are 69 years old, okay 68 1/2 if I think you are ready. :)

And that was just my first week. Just wait until I tell you the rest of my stories.

Sum Up.....

"Let me explain. No there is too much. Let me sum up."
~Inigo Montoya Princess Bride~

It's been awhile my friends and a lot has happened over the last couple months. Far too much, I'm afraid. That's part of the reason I've gone so long with out making an entry; I haven't the foggiest notion how to bring you all up to date. But here's my feeble attempt.

I left Boston the last day of August, and now I'm in LA. What about everything in between?

- Looked for a job
- Drove across the country
- Stayed with some awesomely kind people
- Discovered that my GPS is passive aggressive
- Prayed my car would survive
- Visited with family
- Looked for a job
- Celebrated my birthday
- Questioned my sanity
- Prayed I'm making the right decision
- Found an apartment
- Still questioning my sanity
- Still looking for a job
- Still praying that I've made the right decision

Well I think that's pretty much it. Any questions?

Plan A 2.0

After leaving my car with Eddie, my totally awesome mechanic (seriously, the best one in Massachusetts), for the better part of the day, my car appears now to be safe to cross the plains. I'm not sure what the ball joint is, but it was separating, which means sooner or later when I hit a big bump my car would go one way and my front tire would go the other. After much consideration I decided this would be very bad, so I forked out the $325.00 for the repair.

So I'm all good to go, right? Wrong. You see I wanted to go south to DC to visit my brother and his fam, then Tennessee to see another relative, over to Texas to see my former roommate, and then up to Utah to spend some time with the majority of my family. Sure it was a little non-linear, but let's be honest, I'm not terribly linear myself. Anyway, I got a phone call from my bro this morning with some bad news. He, his wife, and their two little girls are all sick with a cold, so it's probably best if I don't go down that way. Between my car being somewhat questionable and now the curtailing one of my major reasons for taking a southern detour, I'm thinking I may want to make this a straight shot after all with stays in NY, IN, KS, and WY. That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dally unless I spend a couple days in each spot or find places inbetween to stay.

Huh, well I guess I better start making some phone calls.

California or Bust

Perhaps you've heard I'm heading out to California. Perhaps this is news to you. To put all the doubts to rest, yes, California is my planned destination, but there's something funny about plans, rarely do they go according to plan.

Case in point I've sold all my furniture, got rid of my apartment, and packed up my car with the intent of being on the road Saturday (yesterday) morning, but here I sit in my Boston apartment on Sunday evening. Why the change in plans? Well, it would appear that my car has some misgivings about the trip. I'm not fluent in my car's native language, Squeak-ese, but I think a rough translation of it's current communication might be, "What the @#$*%?" Then again, I'm no expert.

So tomorrow morning I'm going to visit my mechanic Eddie to found if my dino-mobile is ready for the 3000 mile trip or if it's time to put the poor thing out my.... er...... it's misery. Stay tuned for tomorrow exciting conclusion: will I be starting the first leg of my journey or will I be spending the next week figuring out an alternative?

Bathroom problems....

Top three reasons why it's lousy to have the one and only apartment bathroom attached to the kitchen .

1. Weird

There's nothing like telling your guests to go through the kitchen to get to the bathroom.

2. Sound

We don't have built in fan so there's no white noise to hide those
typical bathroom noises like......
the plunger.

3. Smell
Did I mention that we do not have a built in fan?
We have a window, but that's not the same thing.
Imagine someone's eating/cooking in the kitchen when someone has to go.
Can you say awkward? Yeah, I knew you could.

What's Your Phobia?*

Contrary to popular belief I did not major in psychology so I could analyze the psychoses of friends, family, and random strangers. While I do find it fascinating to find out what makes other people tick, I majored in psychology so I could self-diagnosis. This became a problem, however, when I took abnormal psychology. Suddenly I found evidence of each and every disorder within myself. I needed therapy just to find out if I needed therapy. And just when I thought I had successful blocked out that trauma caused by this experience I stumbled upon this website:

http://phobialist.com/reverse.html#A-

Here you will find a complete list of every known phobia that have been diagnosed upon this green earth, and I find myself again wondering how many of these describe me.

When I was little I had catoptrophobia (fear of mirrors), but only in the dark thanks to a friend telling me the Bloody Mary legend.

I'm fairly certain I have autodysomophobia (fear that one has a vile odor), though it may be bromidrosiphobia (fear of personal odor). And what of my mysophobia (fear of being contaminated with germs or dirt)?

I wonder if I have philophobia (fear of falling in love) or perhaps anuptaphobia (fear of staying single)? Maybe I have ideophobia (fear of ideas), athazagoraphobia (fear of being ignored), or doxophobia (fear of expressing opinions). What if I have all of the above? Is there a phobia hierarchy?

I hope I never get geliophobia (fear of laughter) or sitiophobia (fear of eating). However would I survive?

Wait, I 've got it.....................................

I know what I have.................................

phobophobia (fear of phobias)

Whew, what a relief.
Now I just have to avoid the phobia website and this blog posting, and I'll be fine.

* this blog entry was just for fun. If this were a honest entry I would have disclosed that I am also afraid of belly button lint, shrubbery, knights who say ni, and Perry Como. :D

Hurray for Jose

Perhaps you've seen my previous entry about the deplorable conditions of my current apartment. Well that was then and this is now, and I have to give all the credit to our new fix-it man Jose. Shortly after moving in I called my landlord, just to make sure he knew about the ever growing hole in the bathroom floor. My landlord then sent Jose over to appraise the damage, and that's all it took. Since then Jose and his sons have completely reworked the place.

The bathroom floor that was rotting away below our feet - replaced.

Bathroom vanity that was slowly disintegrating into itself - replaced.

Toilet that required ninja-like balance to prevent its banging against the wall when you stood up and sat down - fixed.


Drippy kitchen faucet - fixed.

Ancient relic of a range/oven - replaced.


Screen door that had lost it's spring and simply banged whenever the wind blew - fixed.

There are still some major issues, such as the basement that quite possibly houses the creature from the black lagoon,


and our upstairs neighbors who epitomize the term white trash (they asked to borrow $30 before introducing themselves to me, and let's not forget the large chewed up couch that sat on our porch for a month), but thanks to Jose I can actually call my apartment "home sweet home" without choking on the sarcasm. Yes indeed, Jose is my hero. Hurray for Jose!!

Forgotten Friends

Facebook is a wonderful invention. Thanks to that networking site I am connected with 320 friends and family, many of whom I haven't seen in years, if not decades. It keeps me up-to-date on their relationship statuses, birthdays, and any new developments in their lives. But today it got me thinking a bit about forgotten friends.

There are friends of mine that I will never find on Facebook because I've forgotten more about them than I can remember. These are people that at one time or another were my good friends. I can tell all sorts of stories about about the river rafting, camping, and road trips we went on. I even have pictures of many of them, but I'm missing the most vital piece of information.......their names.

Here's a few of the more memorable amongst the forgotten friends:

• CTR Tattoo boy - The only person I've ever met to have a CTR tattoo on his stomach. Besides throwing me an awesome 21st birthday party (which included freakshow entertainment), we used to talk for hours upon hours about......who knows what. No seriously, I don't remember. But we did have a lot of fun doing silly things together like catching frogs at the church camp-out.


• Donalee - we used to commiserate over the curse of curly hair and our frustration with guys. When she got engaged I went to all her wedding showers and her wedding reception, but I can't remember her maiden name, let alone her married one.


• Red-haired Crush - I was 18. He was 24. He was my crush, and I was his trusty side-kick (much to my chagrin). Regardless, we had a lot of fun together. I seem to recall our leaving a toilet on someone's doorstep in the middle of the night. I wonder if that was legal? Anyway I can't tell you his name, but I know he that majored in Park & Recreation.


• The Misogynist - This self-proclaimed hater of women who became my most trusted counselor. We would talk together at length about our dating conundrums. Because of this, I had the privilege of being privy to how his now wife managed to melt his stone-cold heart simply by being herself.

I really wish I could contact these forgotten friends. I want to know what happened in their lives. Are they living in the states or abroad? Did they marry? Did they have kids? What are their careers? In short, I may not remember their names, but I still count them as my friend. I just hope that someday I'll bump into them on the subway or at the grocery store, and perhaps it won't be too awkward when I ask them to remind me of their name.

Blessed With Work

I have found that being unemployed is a rather heavy burden. It drags you into a pit of misery and, in economic time like these, the pit is filled to capacity making it hard to see a way out. That was the condition I found myself during the last few months. Fortunately a blessing fell from the sky this week, and I got a 6 week temp job as a receptionist at a software company.

Already they love me. In fact I could sit like a rock all day long, never moving, and they would still love me. You see by doing nothing, I am NOT stealing. Their last temp robbed them blind. She took home boxes of paper, tape, Advil, mugs, bags, candy, Splenda, and she may have tried to take the kitchen sink. I've never met this woman, but after having been faced with the dearth of job opportunities out there right now, I want to smack her upside the head and say, "Are you crazy?"

Here she was in a temp job that pays a decent wage, and she threw it all away because she chose to lug home large amounts of office supplies. What is the benefit of that? Even if she sold all that stuff on eBay, could she possibly make more than she her promised salary? Me thinks not.

But perhaps I should think twice before bad-mouthing this poor woman. After all it is because of her blatant lack of good judgement that I have this opportunity to be blessed with work. So crazy woman, wherever you all, I thank you. And God, thank you for blessing me with work.

Home Depot Junkie

I..........am...........a............Home Depot............junkie.

You can ask my roommates. I go there almost every day, I know the layout of the store, and soon I'll know all the sales people by name. It's bad, it's real bad.

It all started when I moved in to this illustrious apartment. Some of the former residents had left some odds and ends, which us current roommates sold on Craigslist. This gave us a little mad money that we earmarked for the bettering of our living situation.

As I have the misfortune of being unemployed and happen to be stuck in charming apartment all day, I started to get the fix-it bug. I figured if I'm going to be stuck here I'm might as well make it livable, so using the allotted apartment fund I got to work starring with a simple repair to the broken blinds in my room. When the guy at Home Depot gave me the part I needed, free of charge, I was hooked.

I then decided to hang up a couple Ikea racks in the kitchen for hanging pots and pans. This of course required that I purchase a drill, drill bits, and anchors (at Home Depot). Then I realized that I could change the shower head (purchased at Home Depot) with the help of a crescent wrench and Teflon tape (purchased at Home Depot). Then I had to put in splash guards (attempted to purchase at Home Depot, but had to get at Bed Bath and Beyond) on the bathtub so that the water wouldn’t leak down and damage the water-logged, tile-less floor. This required I get some extra caulk (from Home Depot). I also had to get a new aerator (from Home Depot) for the kitchen sink since because the old one had what appeared to be wood chips lodged in it.

And that my friends pretty much used up the last of the apartment fund, but does that stop me from going to Home Depot. Oh heavens no. I’m a junkie remember. Now I just got to tour the appliance section and drool over the gas ranges. You know ones where you can actually SET the appropriate oven temperature. There’s a 10% off sale of all GE appliances right now, and I’m trying to figure out how I can get my landlord to buy the most basic model. Maybe I could sell a kidney or better yet sell my landlord’s kidney. Do you think he would notice?

Home, Not-So-Sweet Home

As you may know I recently moved out of my fabulous, but overpriced apartment into a significantly cheaper and not quite so nice apartment.

Let's do a side by side comparison shall we.

KITCHEN

Old Apartment:
All brand new stainless steel appliances including a built-in microwave and dishwasher. Also has tons of cabinet storage space.

New Apartment:
The oven was built shortly after the discovery of fire.
This state of the art white elephant has made cooking a mystery. For instance, if you want to set the oven to 350 degrees, just give the knob a good spin because there are absolutely no numbers on the knob to tell you how hot the oven will get.

Or perhaps you want to cook something on the stove. That's fine just don't plan on using the burner in back.

Bathroom:

Old apartment:
Two full baths. One upstairs and one downstairs. Both recently remodeled.

New apartment:
Only one bathroom. Bathtub enamel appears to have been eaten away by some sort of acid.

The toilet rattles when someone sits down and stands up.

And my favorite part is the hole that was hidden by a bath mat.

I just got off the phone with the landlord about the hole. He said that he'll be sending someone over in the next couple of days to take a look.

Living/Dining Room(s)

Old Apartment: two separate rooms with hardwood floors.

New Apartment: No dining room, just a living room with the most disgusting burbur carpeting. I once attempted to walk across the room barefoot; I immediately went back to my room to put on shoes because the carpet was just that disgusting.

My landlord has given me permission to steam clean the carpets and deduct the amount from my rent. I just hope the carpet does not disintegrate.

My Bedroom

Old Apartment: Fairly small, carpeted and warm.

New Apartment: Much larger which is good since I have to store all of my kitchen stuff there, which is why there's no picture. My room is a disaster area.

So that pretty well sums up my new living situation. The one saving grace to this whole thing is the roommates. They are absolutely great! It's just the apartment that's the pits. I know I'm saving money, but I'm afraid my sanity will be compromised if I stay in this apartment for a full year.

Where Have I Been

Let me briefly explain why I haven't written in a month. It's very simple. In January my life became a country song (ie my life fell apart). Between being unemployed and having to move to a less expensive apartment, my car got towed, I got a bad case of the flu, the bank has fined me around $400 thanks to a combination of my miscalculation and a random $119 from the Wall Street Journal. Oh and my master's project didn't make it into the next round of a competition it was entered in.

I think that pretty much sums it up. I figured y'all didn't want to be privy to all my whining and lamenting during that time so I thought it wise to simply not write for awhile.

So provided February turns out to be slightly better month, I'm sure to write again soon.......