California Water 101

Perhaps you've heard. California tap water is pretty nasty. How bad could it possibly be? Take a look a look at this picture.



This is the sink in my bathroom. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the water shouldn't match the brown vanity. Kind of disgusting, don't you think? So I've started drinking only spring water. I'd get the purified drinking water, but isn't that what is SUPPOSED to be coming from the faucet?

Buying water is a new thing for me, and there's a lot of decisions that go into it. You can get any size from ridiculously large jugs that you can't lift to the individual bottles you can throw in your purse. Even if you just want a gallon, you have to choose if you want the milk jug size, the taller skinner size, or my favorite--the stackable weird bottles

They aren't quite a gallon (3 qt., 5.4 oz), but they are just so cool. If I had kids I would give the empty containers to play with instead of blocks. They interlock so you could build walls or even forts, not that I have any first hand experience with this. Though I have discovered that they make a lovely Christmas tree.


I'm thinking that if I remove the labels, add some lights, and throw on some tinsel, then I might just have the picture for my Christmas Cards.

New Englander's Guide to LA

Dedicated to my fellow New Englanders who are thinking of moving to LA.
Here's what you need to know:

Driving – Drive like normal (ie like a maniac), but do it faster, and try not to curse out the drivers who have no clue how to really parallel park. I also wouldn't recommend banging a left unless you can move at the speed of light, and don't really care about the right side of your car.

Blue Tooth – You must have one, and wear it whenever you are driving. It does not matter whether or not you are planning to make or take any phone calls. In fact you don’t even need to own a cell phone. It’s simply required driving attire.

Donuts and Frozen Yogurt – There are mom and pop donut shops in every strip mall and corner market, and anyone who has lived in LA for longer than a month has a favorite. There are also a million frozen yogurt shops because frozen yogurt is a health food even when you eat an entire pint covered in gummy bears, Heath Bars, sprinkles, and chocolate syrup.

Freeways – You must always use the word “the” in front of the Freeway number (“the” 405, “the” 5, “the” 91). Otherwise the conversation will go something like this:

“I’m going to take 405 to San Diego.”
“What are you taking to San Diego?”
“405”
“4 or 5 what?”
“THE 405 freeway”
“Well, why didn’t you say so to begin with?”

Palm Trees – Sure they look nice but avoid standing or parking directly below them. They tend to drop their leaves/branches, which weigh about the same as a small cow.

People – Sometimes random strangers will smile and wave at you. They are not weird, psycho stalkers. They are simply friendly. There is no need to avoid eye contact or walk faster to get away from them. Instead, try smiling and waving back.

Adjustment – After much scientific research (ie asking everyone I meet, including Steve, the waiter in Malibu) the general consensus is that it takes about 2 - 3 years for anyone to feel like LA to really home. So don't worry if you're still feeling a bit like an outsider after a few months, that's absolutely normal. And remember this song is for you (unless you hate Miley music. If that's the case, click here). :D

Living in LA: Week 1

I've had a most unusual first month in LA. Just ask my friends; they've been there to witness and/or cause most of it all, but with this much cool stuff I only have time to address the first week.

When I first arrived I needed a place to stay that was uber cheap and somewhat safe. As luck would have it, my friend Michelle still had a month left on her lease for the apartment she had just vacated. There was one small catch, the landlady couldn't know I was living there, so I had to sneak in and out. There was also a problem with internet access. If I sat on the floor in the far corner of the living room with my computer pointed at just the right angle to the window, I could mooch internet from the neighbors until my arms/legs cramped up and I had to move (~15 min). For someone looking for a job, this was the kiss of death. And let me tell you death is horrible kisser*. I mean seriously, hasn't he ever heard chapstick and breath mints?


*while rubbing hand sanitizer on your lips after such an interaction may seem like a good idea, don't do it. It stings like no other, believe me.

So thanks to the help of some friends, I found an apartment with a wonderful roommate. Though I was little concerned at first when every door in the place is labeled with "WARNING: this place causes cancer, birth defects, cancerous birth defects, and/or halitosis." But I've been informed that every apartment in LA has those signs because LA causes cancer.

Now that housing was under control it was time to experience LA. First up, going to a screening of Whip It at the Grove, an upscale mall that also has a concierge and a bathroom attendant (the worst job in the world). Afterwards we went to an improv comedy show on Hollywood Blvd., and then to Wendy's to get some grub for my compadres. While waiting in the drive-thru line, the door the SUV ahead of us opens up, a man steps out, turns his back to us and pees. Yep right there in the drive-thru. When we pulled up to the window, we managed to tell the cashier between fits of laughter that he may want to wash his hands since I'm fairly certain the SUV man did not.

Two days later I went to a taping for The Jeff Dunham Show for Comedy Central. He's the dude that's brought us Peanut, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and a jalapeno on a stick. I'm a huge fan so I of course jumped at the chance to see him. For all you boys and girls out there who are just dying to be on television, here's a tip: when doing anything in Hollywood make sure you and all your friends look cute and stylish. If you do so, you can get handpicked from hundreds of people standing in line to sit on the front row for the taping of a show, therefore insuring you WILL be on television. That's what happened to me and my 4 friends. Totally awesome. I'm in episode 6 and 7 if you would like to see me. Disclaimer: The show is on Comedy Central and not ABC Family for a reason. So to all my nieces and nephews, I strictly forbid you from watching the show until you are 69 years old, okay 68 1/2 if I think you are ready. :)

And that was just my first week. Just wait until I tell you the rest of my stories.