Living in LA: Week 1

I've had a most unusual first month in LA. Just ask my friends; they've been there to witness and/or cause most of it all, but with this much cool stuff I only have time to address the first week.

When I first arrived I needed a place to stay that was uber cheap and somewhat safe. As luck would have it, my friend Michelle still had a month left on her lease for the apartment she had just vacated. There was one small catch, the landlady couldn't know I was living there, so I had to sneak in and out. There was also a problem with internet access. If I sat on the floor in the far corner of the living room with my computer pointed at just the right angle to the window, I could mooch internet from the neighbors until my arms/legs cramped up and I had to move (~15 min). For someone looking for a job, this was the kiss of death. And let me tell you death is horrible kisser*. I mean seriously, hasn't he ever heard chapstick and breath mints?


*while rubbing hand sanitizer on your lips after such an interaction may seem like a good idea, don't do it. It stings like no other, believe me.

So thanks to the help of some friends, I found an apartment with a wonderful roommate. Though I was little concerned at first when every door in the place is labeled with "WARNING: this place causes cancer, birth defects, cancerous birth defects, and/or halitosis." But I've been informed that every apartment in LA has those signs because LA causes cancer.

Now that housing was under control it was time to experience LA. First up, going to a screening of Whip It at the Grove, an upscale mall that also has a concierge and a bathroom attendant (the worst job in the world). Afterwards we went to an improv comedy show on Hollywood Blvd., and then to Wendy's to get some grub for my compadres. While waiting in the drive-thru line, the door the SUV ahead of us opens up, a man steps out, turns his back to us and pees. Yep right there in the drive-thru. When we pulled up to the window, we managed to tell the cashier between fits of laughter that he may want to wash his hands since I'm fairly certain the SUV man did not.

Two days later I went to a taping for The Jeff Dunham Show for Comedy Central. He's the dude that's brought us Peanut, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and a jalapeno on a stick. I'm a huge fan so I of course jumped at the chance to see him. For all you boys and girls out there who are just dying to be on television, here's a tip: when doing anything in Hollywood make sure you and all your friends look cute and stylish. If you do so, you can get handpicked from hundreds of people standing in line to sit on the front row for the taping of a show, therefore insuring you WILL be on television. That's what happened to me and my 4 friends. Totally awesome. I'm in episode 6 and 7 if you would like to see me. Disclaimer: The show is on Comedy Central and not ABC Family for a reason. So to all my nieces and nephews, I strictly forbid you from watching the show until you are 69 years old, okay 68 1/2 if I think you are ready. :)

And that was just my first week. Just wait until I tell you the rest of my stories.

Springtime Blues

It's springtime in New England. All the signs are here. Trees don't look quite as dead as they used to. Brightly colored WWII amphibious assault vehicles (aka Duckboats) carry tourist around to all the sights. You can even shed your heavy winter coat (provided you replace it with a heavy fleece jacket).

But the most telling sign that it is spring is that I wake up at 6:00 AM. Since mid-March, without any help from my alarm clock my body shouts, 'wakey, wakey' a good hour earlier than I would like. Some people may find this wonderful. I find it down right annoying. I like sleep. I particularly like staying asleep.

So imagine my surprise this morning when I woke up and saw the giant red numbers 7:03 on my alarm clock. I had slept an hour and 3 minutes past my automatic wakeup call. This obviously was going to be the best day ever. I rolled out of bed and carried out my normal morning routine, and headed out the door.

As I walked into my office, I noticed there was no one at the front desk. Since it appeared that I had also beaten the two other assistants into the office, I knew I'd need to cover for the receptionist until she got in. As I quickly went to my desk to drop off my things, I was stunned to see my boss in his office typing away on his computer. He's usually teaching when I get in on Tuesdays.

My mind raced to figure out why he was here, until I looked at the phone on my desk, where the clock blinked 8:00 AM.

"NO WAY!!" I said. My boss jumped out of the chair, and nearly died of shock.

So how did it happen? My alarm clock was off by an hour and I had never bothered to correct it since I don't use it much anymore.

Moral of the story: don't let mistakes go uncorrected, or you too could be early for work.

Multi-tasking Disaster

or "How to fail at multi-tasking without even trying. "

When I arrived at the gym a couple days ago, I jumped onto my treadmill. Starting with a brisk walk at 3.5 miles per hour, I turned on my ipod to listen to some Russian Techno music for a good exercise beat. At my gym all the treadmills, stairmasters, and other repetitious exercise machines of boredom face a wall lined with TV's. Since I had nothing else to look at, I soon found myself alternately watching a movie on one TV and a television show on the other.

I was well engrossed in this media overload, when I accidentally knocked my ipod off and onto the treadmill track, where I promptly stepped on it and then watched it fall to the ground behind me. By this point, I had stopped walking and also fell to the ground behind my machine, again stepping on my ipod.

I picked up my ipod and **surprise** it still worked. I was so happy that I stepped right back onto the treadmill, and immediately crashed to my knees. That's what happens when you step onto a treadmill that's still going 3.5 miles per hour. I must have made quite a spectacle of myself with this fall since gym employees rushed over to see if I was all right and offer helpful advice like "maybe you should slow it down."

And that my friend is how I sustained two skinned knees and a battered ego, and an entertaining story of how multi-tasking brought me to your knees. ;)

And then she said...........

A sampling of some of the hilarious, if not absolutely ridiculous, things people have said to me recently:

While checking out at the grocery store.......

The cashier scanned a box of Gas Ex and loudly asks, "Gas Ex? Does this stuff really work?"

I went to the doctor for a check up, and she started going through the pre-visit check list......

"Sexually active?"
"No."
With real concern, almost shock,"What's wrong?"
"I haven't for religious reasons."
"Good for you. Good for.... Wait so you've never?"
"No, I'm one of the few 29 year old virgins out there."
"Good for you. Good for..... So is there anyone?"
"I date."
"But is there a special guy?"
"There are several guys I'm interested in."

And just think that was only the beginning of the exam. I still had a good 20 minutes left.

When I was wearing a shirt with an empire waistline.........

a pseudo coworker who hadn't seen me in a while came running up to me, "Are you pregnant?" and then proceeded to put her hand on my stomach.

I burst out laughing. Now the joke amongst my friends is to ask, "Does this shirt make me look pregnant?"

When I approached a coworker who appeared to be having a bad day.........

"Are you okay?" I asked

"Obviously not, and neither are you," she responded